Untouched

Originally, I had planned to go to bed without writing this.  I find, however, that I cannot sleep tonight and that perhaps God has different plans.  Yet, as I sit here contemplating what to write, the only thing I can think to say sounds hopelessly disqualifying and shamefully true.

The truth is that while I am attending more chapels, surrounded by more Christians, and exposed to more of the Bible than ever before, I find myself in one of the most spiritually dry seasons of my life.  Perhaps it is the fact that I no longer need to be spoon fed my faith in the ways that are presented to me.  I am a daughter of Christ, hanging precariously in the space between childhood and adulthood.

Even while I fear I may develop poor dependence upon the spiritual opportunities provided for me here, I know that God will not let me be lost during this time of transition.  His call on my life is much to strong now and for the same reasons I cannot sleep tonight, I don't believe that I could ever walk away from Him, even if (God forbid, literally) I wanted to.

Because although do not feel God moving actively in my life right now, I feel the absence of Him just as strongly as I feel His presence at times.  In the words of CS Lewis, "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."  The fact that in this time of silence, I so long to hear the voice of God, must mean that I was meant to exist in intimate relationship with Him.

Therefore, even by my discouragement I am encouraged.  I have known a love so great that all other things pale in comparison.  I have tasted of the sweetest of gifts and am not satisfied by anything else.  I, once touched by grace, have been awoken to a new world which will never allow my soul to be touched by death again.

"You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you" (Psalm 36:10)