Sometimes I Wonder
Sometimes I wonder what I am worth. I look back over my achievements and while they seem somewhat upright on their own, the longer I look the more the background of other people's accomplishments begin to push forward and soon I'm playing the comparison game. I did better here but they did better there but that's okay if you factor in this but if you factor in that it cancels it out and on and on. Now I no longer have a list of my accomplishments but a scorecard of scribbles and tallies I am trying to use to determine my value.
If I can only get a high enough number, I can prove I am worthy of love.
But when I hold up my marked on, tattered, worn piece of paper to God as though it were a medal of gold, He puts his hand over it, pushes it aside and gives me a sad smile because He knows I have forgotten again.
I have forgotten that His love is unfailing: that every time I fall short of good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or strong enough, I will still be satisfied if I only learn to believe His love is enough. That even though I struggle to comprehend something as definite and permanent as unfailing when everything around me seems to be falling away, just as I struggle to understand the concept of eternity when I am held down by the idea of mortality, even then-- His love continues.
I have forgotten that His love is undying: that not even my past, present, and future sins, not the sins of my brothers or my sisters or my neighbors or the whole world was enough to keep Him in the grave. That His love was so great that not even death could still the lifeblood the flowed through Him when the promise of reciprocation was calling just beyond the rules that governed the universe and demanded that the deceased stay dead.
I have forgotten that His love endures forever: that even as the sun sets on my misplaced obligations, my misled motivations, and my sinful inclinations, He promises a more satisfying reality where value is not a result of our achievements but His glory and so even when we fall short, there is a reason to be joyful. That even though I may not fully understand how long forever is, it's okay because His love is enough to keep me from believe the lie that every good story must have a beginning, a middle, and an end with life lessons in between that can be wrapped up in nice little boxes and stored away for later. That even though His offer of a new life may look a little bit sloppy, it's only because there are no fake plastic masks or clear black and whites and that's okay because this story, the story of Love, doesn't have an end.
I have forgotten that because He loves me, He would give entire nations in exchange for me: that I while I say the word often enough, I don't know what it means to redeem something more than coupons or prizes, something like a life or a soul, what it means to buy someone out of a slavery they willingly sold themselves into in attempt to gain control because they thought you couldn't handle their life. That despite the fact that I took the chance of decreasing my own worth simply by searching for it, He would argue that my value is not intrinsic but lies solely with He who has promised that He is unchanging.
Sometimes I wonder what I am worth. Then I remember that my God is a consuming fire and that His love is unfailing, undying, and endures forever. Then I remember the price for which He bought my life, and I realize I know longer need to wonder because I know.
I am unworthy, but loved in spite of it.
(Note: these are not ideas or concepts I have sensed about God, they are simply explorations of things the Bible tells us about His love. If you're interested in where they're coming from, here are the verses: unfailing-Psalm 6:4, undying- Ephesians 6:24, endures forever- Psalm 136:3, entire nations in exchange- Isaiah 43:4, consuming fire- Hebrews 12:29.)
If I can only get a high enough number, I can prove I am worthy of love.
But when I hold up my marked on, tattered, worn piece of paper to God as though it were a medal of gold, He puts his hand over it, pushes it aside and gives me a sad smile because He knows I have forgotten again.
I have forgotten that His love is unfailing: that every time I fall short of good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or strong enough, I will still be satisfied if I only learn to believe His love is enough. That even though I struggle to comprehend something as definite and permanent as unfailing when everything around me seems to be falling away, just as I struggle to understand the concept of eternity when I am held down by the idea of mortality, even then-- His love continues.
I have forgotten that His love is undying: that not even my past, present, and future sins, not the sins of my brothers or my sisters or my neighbors or the whole world was enough to keep Him in the grave. That His love was so great that not even death could still the lifeblood the flowed through Him when the promise of reciprocation was calling just beyond the rules that governed the universe and demanded that the deceased stay dead.
I have forgotten that His love endures forever: that even as the sun sets on my misplaced obligations, my misled motivations, and my sinful inclinations, He promises a more satisfying reality where value is not a result of our achievements but His glory and so even when we fall short, there is a reason to be joyful. That even though I may not fully understand how long forever is, it's okay because His love is enough to keep me from believe the lie that every good story must have a beginning, a middle, and an end with life lessons in between that can be wrapped up in nice little boxes and stored away for later. That even though His offer of a new life may look a little bit sloppy, it's only because there are no fake plastic masks or clear black and whites and that's okay because this story, the story of Love, doesn't have an end.
I have forgotten that because He loves me, He would give entire nations in exchange for me: that I while I say the word often enough, I don't know what it means to redeem something more than coupons or prizes, something like a life or a soul, what it means to buy someone out of a slavery they willingly sold themselves into in attempt to gain control because they thought you couldn't handle their life. That despite the fact that I took the chance of decreasing my own worth simply by searching for it, He would argue that my value is not intrinsic but lies solely with He who has promised that He is unchanging.
Sometimes I wonder what I am worth. Then I remember that my God is a consuming fire and that His love is unfailing, undying, and endures forever. Then I remember the price for which He bought my life, and I realize I know longer need to wonder because I know.
I am unworthy, but loved in spite of it.
(Note: these are not ideas or concepts I have sensed about God, they are simply explorations of things the Bible tells us about His love. If you're interested in where they're coming from, here are the verses: unfailing-Psalm 6:4, undying- Ephesians 6:24, endures forever- Psalm 136:3, entire nations in exchange- Isaiah 43:4, consuming fire- Hebrews 12:29.)
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